Dear Mr. Trump –
You keep talking about how much money you have. And, listen, I’m impressed. I’ve been to Trump Towers, even eaten lunch there – great service, tremendous food, I’ll have to put you in the top percentage of approval for that adventure; tremendous, really above average; and I noticed that only the beautiful people, including me, were there. Wow! A tremendous Trump experience. I’m also impressed with some of the Trump apartment/condo high rise buildings I’ve visited. Again, tremendous, truly impressive. Something like those enterprises could only have been constructed by a person who is really rich, on top of things, and above average. I have to give it to you: When you build something you do it well.
I, on the other hand, have no buildings with my name on them. My daddy wasn’t able to give me that kind of kick-start. But, now keeping in mind that Dizzy Dean said if it was true it wasn’t bragging, I, I’m happy to tell you, like you, am a tremendously successful entrepreneur. Frankly, some of the things I’ve done are nothing short of amazing.
While I don’t have any great buildings bearing my name, nor a plane, or a helicopter, I do participate in a far-flung empire of which I am a major investor. For instance, I have recently invested in the higher education of Karen and Elizabeth in Paraguay. Alfonso and I partner in a grocery store in Honduras. Narciso runs a cattle farm I helped him establish down in Nicaragua. Well, I don’t want to keep listing the accomplishments, but my lack of humility demands I mention the Clothing Store in Honduras and the – wait, let me bow my head humbly a moment lest you think I’m special – well, there’s the medical clinic I helped get running in Nepal. Hold on, I don’t think I mentioned the fabric store run by Mehrikhow in Tajikistan or Corazon’s grocery store in the Philippines. Sorry, sometimes I just can’t help letting people know how wonderful I am.
To tell you the truth, a full day of programming on Fox News wouldn’t be enough time to list my accomplishments in international investments. The endeavors listed above are just a smidgen of the wealth I spread around. I’m sorry, I don’t want to brag, but I’m pretty special. In fact, I’m down right awesome. I’m so awesome my girlfriend is not a 10; she’s a 12.
I’m sure by now you’re wondering how an insignificant, retired, country parson could so completely diminish a man of your billions in the international investment world. It’s simple. I’m a member of a vast financial empire called Kiva. People like me, with no buildings named after us, no helicopters, no planes, no weird hairdos, no – well, I won’t go there because, in truth, I do have a small beer belly - combine our resources to change the world.
You see, Mr. Trump, even though I’m on a fixed income; even though I’m retired with limited resources, I can give a small micro loan to people trying to climb out of poverty. I can lift their esteem by letting them know there’s a tired old American, blessed beyond measure by God, up in the old US of A, who wants them to succeed. And I can give one of them, each month, a small amount of $25 as a micro loan to start a business or go to school. And here, Mr. Trump, is the reason that I, despite your billions, are richer beyond measure than are you:
When I loan Alfonsa that $25 for his grocery store in Honduras, he’ll pay it back. But instead of taking the payback and putting it in my pocket, I’ll loan it to someone else through this vast international financial empire called Kiva. So, if every month I loan someone a new $25 and I re-loan whatever has been repaid to me that month, it compounds. (I’m sure that a man of your wealth understands the concept of compounding.). And if I do that every month for fifteen years …. Well, get your accountant to do the math.
On top of me doing that, there are a lot of my friends doing the same thing. Just recently my friend Teri Petersen, in Chicago, made an investment in Honduras. Another friend, Amy Arrowood Lin, in Raleigh, N. C., made an investment in Jordan. And Mary Beth Butler, another friend out in Texas, made an investment in Pakistan. (Please note that these investors are scattered throughout the entire country. And, I'm fairly sure they vote.) I don’t know how much of an investment they made in the individual projects they selected, but I know they’ve been doing it for a long time and their investments have been compounding and compounding and compounding for the last decade.
And forgive me, but I must make a further comment. I have better hair than do you. That picture of your hair blowing in the wind just will not quit haunting my mind. Terrible. Unacceptable. Inexcusable. How could a person running for public office do that to themselves? On the other hand, I’m bald. Baldness is always neat. Sorry, I just am heights above you in this category.
So, listen up, Mr. Trump. Get real. You’re not as successful as you think you are. You see, you have invested in real estate. There are a lot of us much, much richer than you. We are the ones who, through Kiva, choose not to invest in inanimate objects like buildings and walls, but, instead, we invest in humankind. And that's what makes America great, still.
Please feel free to call me, or one of my investor friends, when you need investment advice.
Hold on! - Okay, just checked in the mirror. I'm right.
Your rich as blazes friend,
The Questing Parson